Call it love if you want.

    It feels so odd not knowing what to say to the person you used to tell everything to.

    from one day to another the simple "goodnight, I love you" 

    becomes a goodnight whisper to your pillow.

    You ask yourself if you are ready to let go

    and it feels like asking if you can let go of your own self.

    Do we ever let go, 

    or is everything just an illusion for our own comfort? 

    Do we say to ourselves that we are going to be loved again,

    because we believe that it is true,

    or do we just try to convince ourselves of things that cannot be done?

    Even if you love someone else, does the image of that other, precious person goes away?

    Who grands a big happy finale to it all? 

    It is almost three years now that my head is spinning.

    Call it love if you want. 

    Now things are kinda over and I feel like a five year old who is left in a dark room,

    without a small light next to the bed.

    Just plain black nothingness. 

    I wake up in the morning and make my coffee.

    One brown sugar, a splash of milk.

    Yes, coffee, that you always told me not to drink.

    It's not good, I know. 

    But everything is tiring these days,

    and who said that even love is good for anyone,

    we did it anyway, right? 

    That's my excuse. 

    I have always been the person who shut everyone out. 

    It is funny how people think I am social,

    It is generally weird how people get mad at me when I'm mean to them,

    how they have so many expectations from me

    Reality being, I don't give a fuck about anyone when I am sad.

    I love myself so much that I don't really care being alone.

    I enjoy my existence.

    I know, it is weird reading this from a woman right?

    But I never had a problem with myself.

    But you? oh dear.

    I always made room for you.

    Sometimes I stop to ask myself if you ever realized that. 

    Maybe you walked out without even really knowing me.

    Maybe you thought I am weak in the thought of you.

    And maybe you were right.

    Maybe giving you everything shouldn't be the case.

    Maybe I should have asked you all these questions I was so afraid to ask.

    Back then, when you could reply to me by looking me in the eyes.

    Maybe knowing these answers would have helped.

    But you see, I was afraid that they would hurt me. 

    So I kept my mouth shut and I kept loving you, and loving you.

    It was easier this way.

    Maybe no one can ever really know anyone.

    Anyway back to reality,

    while drinking that coffee that I waisted a part of my poem to talk about,

    I can't even listen to my music.

    Because my music, is your music.

    And your music hurts.

    I can't really eat food because I just don't feel like eating food.

    I cannot describe how much I hate feeling sorry for myself.

    I try not to.

    So I sit in silence with my underwear on, and that coffee of course,

    thinking that my apartment it's cold, but fuck it I don't really care,

    I might put some feministic podcast on the background, 

    draw a little bit,

    I get my work done,

    and my day goes by.

    I guess that the moment we see each other everything is going to change again.

    And then we will be apart and things will go back to this.

    I know I shouldn't be thinking that much,

    but believe me when I say that it is not my intention.

    I need to focus on my art, because nothing else can save me from my thoughts.

    I need to be the woman my mother raised me to be.

    I need to be the woman I swore to myself I would be. 

    I hope you are okay with that. 

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you can listen to this. (click)

or this. (click)

or don't listen to anything. drink that coffee in silence dear reader.

My blog reached 11.000 views, so I know there are people out there reading this.

First of all thank you.

Second and most important: 

-To all girls out there reading this,

that coffee underwear scene in that "poem",

don't romanticize this, like it's some kind of indie cool girls way to live while having a broken heart.

It's not. Don't romanticize anything from my social media pictures and posts. Nothing of what you think I am is true. I am so much more than that. If I inspire you at all, I want to inspire you to be strong and work hard. Keep fighting for the things you love, for equality, and keep being awesome.

bye for now

xx Faidra