Hello everybody! Once again, I haven’t posted anything for a while now and I’m sorry and it’s bothering me so much because I want to write and stuff but I just don’t always seem to have any inspiration and I don’t like to write things that I don’t feel or things that don’t matter to me. Anyway, no grumbling in this post I promise.
So! March has been a pretty intense month for me and I think that even though I love my bed and my laptop, a good adventure is always worth getting out of your comfort zone. Wanna know what happened? The choir of Rhodes Music School -my school- attended a School Choir Festival in Karditsa.. a place in Greece and we actually won and it was awesome and we had a lot of fun and after telling you how amazing everything was (because it really was, it was worth every moment of it) ..my side of the story is a little sad and weird and let me tell you that I just don’t know what is wrong with me! So we arrived and everything was ok, it was a 4-days trip and the first day was good, we went with a plane to Athens and then with a buss we drove to Karditsa.
“Fun’’ fact : let me just remind you that I haven’t been anywhere far away from home since I went to New York last summer. Want me to remind you the homesickness I felt there? yeah.. I think now that you can imagine what happened when I went that first night at the hotel room in Karditsa and realized I was far away from home again.
I had my friends there, I love them and they love me and I know that. But when I realized that I wasn’t going to be home for the next 3 days and it just hit me and I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve been in other places before and I was alone and it was fine! I never had a problem with that, but it seems to me that since I went to New York I appreciated my home (home= family + boyfriend + the comfort of my room) so much more than before. I talked that night with my boyfriend and he tried to cheer me up.. it was like New York actually. He was the only one who would talk to me everyday for a month and made me feel better even though back then we were together only a few days and then I had to leave. You know..they say that you always have to put your friends first and then your relationship but I don’t think that I’m one of those people who will put their friends first. I know how bad this sounds but it’s honestly the only excuse I have. The only excuse I have for feeling the way I felt in Karditsa. I know it was a 4-days trip but it felt like my brain thought that it will be a month. You know, i still care for my friends and my best friend is like a sister to me, I love her and she is like, included in the my family circle. But all the other people.. I just don’t give a damn for anyone else. And this is what kept me sad for all the other days in Karditsa. When everyone was out of the room having fun I was in bed reading my book, talking to my boyfriend, crying, scrolling on my tumblr dashboard (thanks God they had wifi). I even took 2 showers that night. I just don’t know what was going on in me. The physical pain I felt in my chest was like someone punching me. It was awful. It reminded me of those bright days when I was the worlds most depressed kid. Thought these days were over.. how funny.
When I returned from our trip, I saw my parents and my boyfriend and I though to myself, “Life is easy, life can be happy” . But what I actually meant was that, life, was only easy or happy because they were there, with me. The people who keep the real Faidra from breaking..the people who make Faidra smile, those people make my life easy and happy. And even when life isn’t easy, to be honest, life is a little shit, but having people to share even the bad memories is always better that being alone. You know that even if you had a bad day..you will return home and you will find someone to tell you that everything is ok. So yeah, life is amazing when you have those people around, and when I leave home, life will be hard again.
And here we can see the dilemma between leaving the next year for college or taking a gap year. I mean, I don’t know if I’m just scared or if I’m not ready. Another reason why March has been an intense month for me is because after arriving home from our trip I saw a dream, I had to leave immediately for New York and I woke up crying. I love the though of going there. I love the college I chose and I love the city but I think that I’m both scared and not ready. On the other hand I just don’t recognize me anymore. I used to be fearless and now I’m having panic attacks over the though that I will be alone . What’s wrong with me? I don’t believe that love makes you wick, love makes you strong. But I know that what is keeping me from leaving is the love I have for my family and boyfriend. I just don’t want to be alone. I want the people I love by my side. Why life has to be such a tragedy sometimes? They say that going after what you want isn’t easy but besides that it is scary and heartbreaking too. What happens if you don’t go for it? You will have nothing but regrets for putting other people over your future and not trying to achieve your goals. I’m so confused right now, I just wish I could find a less painful way to start my life in the city I love, but that is not a choice. It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find yourself wanting things that the people in your life don’t want and then you realize that those people love you but they don’t see things the same way you do. So the only solution is to keep the wonderful memories and find yourself moving on. I’m not ready yet though.. I might just take a year break to keep those people around a little more.
xx Faidra