Yesterday I bought those high waisted jeans from Pull and Bear and I'm so obsessed with them oh my God they are amazing I love them so much. I wanted a black pair of hight waisted jeans for so long now! And my cropped top is from Bershka and my shoes are my Jeffrey Campbell damsel spiked platforms.. I'm so sad that I don't get to wear them often.. I hope that I can wear then more when I go to New York.
----changing subject----
I don't know what I want to talk about today but I hate it when I don't post something here for a long time. I don't think that I have something to say actually.. I have so many thoughts stuck in my head but I can't find the words to express them and it sucks.
Really, I'm just lost between who I am.. who I want to be.. who I have the chance to be.. what I want to do with my life.. who I want to love.. who I want to hate. And the list goes on and on. It feels so wrong this whole ''I'm going to be a fashion designer'' thing. And it just ruins everything because it feels wrong and it shouldn't. It should make me feel happy. It should be real. It should be easier. For once in my life I'd like things to feel normal and just go with the flow. But I guess that when you go with the flow nothing amazing is gonna happen and I'm just gonna live a normal life and I don't want a normal life! I want to do things and be proud about them, and at the same time I just want a break from all that ''moving to new york to become popular designer-oh I hope you won't forget us when you become famous-oh I'm your friend I will have free clothes right?- oh when you go there you will prove them all wrong'' kind of shit.
Damn right I want to go to New York City. Damn right I want to become a fashion designer. Damn right I'd really like it if people liked my art. But who the fuck told you that I'm doing this to prove anyone wrong or to become famous with lots of money? Of course I'd like to have money but I. am. not. doing. this. for. anyone. else. I. am. doing. this. for. myself.
And I think that because so many people believe in me I feel too much pressure and I just don't feel like I'm doing this for myself and this just ruins everything about my life right now.
Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.. maybe I'm just confused and maybe I should be thankful to have people around me who believe in me. But I've learnt to be alone in my life and maybe that's my problem.. I've learnt being alone and I just don't know what to feel. Maybe I'm scared to feel. Or maybe I just don't wanna lose those people right now and that's why I'm finding excuses not to leave.
I'm sure about one thing though. When the time comes.. and I'll have to leave home for good, I won't be able to handle it for a long time but believe me.. I'll be ok .. and I just want you to know that I love you. I love you with all of my fucked up, piece of shit heart.