Here are two ways to wear an overall. Nothing special actually. Hope you enjoy ^^
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I wanted to post something a few days now.. but I couldn't find the words to express my thoughts of what I want to talk about. Note, this post won't be the epitome of happiness, it won't be sad though, I think that I'm just realizing some things and I want to write about them.. So let me just start with a question. -
Have you ever tried to stop something from happening? Something that you knew would happen with or without your permission. Something bigger that you. Something that would kill you, slowly and painfully. You knew it would happen. You were preparing yourself years because you knew. On the other hand you never really put yourself to think that it would hurt so much. Not realizing yet that the person with the blame at the of the story would be you.
''What did I do wrong?'' is the question.
You want the answer? You are not gonna have it.
And let me guess that you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.
Well, let's just say that I'm trying to figure out love. Not only in the form of a lover but in the form of a family too. So, family love. Love generally. Love. What a strange word. What a nice word. What a strange feeling that is. It's a cliché, isn't it?! Nowadays everyone is using it without realizing the beauty of it.
Let me be more specific. My mother always tells me that she loves me. Every day. Every time we hang the phone, every time she tells me goodnight. And I believe her. She has always been there for me. It's always been like that. Me and her. When I was little. Alone, in a big house. Sleeping in my small bedroom because I was afraid of the dark. (Kind of ironic how I was afraid of the dark and now I find some kind of comfort in it. )
My father on the other hand? well, he would always tell me how much he loves me too. I'm kind of laughing in the thought of how someone can say ''I love you'' so easily. Always promising and always letting me down. Always ending up with me forgiving and him not even trying to apologize for the pain he got me through. But I guess that some people are just too busy trying to love their decisions and themselves that they forget how painful it is to wake up every day with the thought of ''Have he even loved me? Ever?'' I mean, he was the first man in my life after all, right? If anything can hurt my feelings is that. That because of that person I couldn't express my love to the person that I'm so glad I have a relationship with today. I read somewhere on tumblr this quote: My father broke my heart long before any boy had the chance to.
But my biggest problem is that I never stopped believing him. I knew that one day this whole lie would blow up in my face but I guess I never really thought of myself being the person who would be bothered. I used to think I was tough. I never cried for any family issue. Never. Only when someone would ask me how I feel about it. Only then I would realize that it hurt. And after a while I would just go back to the whole ''being tough'' thing. But over the last year I realized that I wasn't. I wasn't taught at all. I was fragile. And to hide that I wore thick armor.
So last week something happened that confirmed my fears and now I'm just in the phase of shutting all the people who hurt me out of my life once and for all. I just don't have the time or the patience anymore. I'm sorry if I didn't try enough for your love. I'm really sorry if I wasn't enough for you. It hurts me to know that I wasn't enough for you. But I'm 17 years old now, and I have to grow.
Being in a relationship for about 8 months now I've realized what a big deal that is. What a big deal it is to find someone who wants to know all about what's going on in your mind. When my mind was grey and my thoughts were black and I could not stop crying he was the sun and the stars and the moon to me. And I have difficulties of trying to show to the person I love my real self. I'm not a whole person. And I don't think I'll ever be. It's nice to be a misanthrope some times. Other times it's really bothering. But I'll never be full of happiness or full of sadness. Parts of me died in the house I grew up in. I'm still going back sometimes though ..trying to figure out what a specific part of my life felt like. Sometimes it's like everything you've ever lived is a huge dream and you're either remembering or forgetting some moments. But people grow and so do feelings and the love I have now for the people in my life who really deserve it is bigger than me. And I just what to point out that: What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven’t happened yet.
xx Fedra