Hello everyone! You are reading this post while I am already in the airport of Rome going to New York. I’ve written it a few days before I leave from Greece but I guess I wanted to post it when I was already some thousand miles away from everyone I know. I guess that when you read these words you might think that they’re a bit inappropriate for an 18 year old to write publicly. And maybe they are. Maybe it would be better if I was anonymous here. That way, I could express myself in freedom. Well, what I am thinking now is that I am not a poet, but poets do talk about their lives and we adore their words. So I am going to write here as an artist, not as someone some of you know personally. Don’t read this post with my voice over your head -if you know me. Read it with yours, and let the words lead you where you want them to lead you. You might laugh with me, you might also cry. Maybe I am just overreacting… anyway.
“ So here I am love, seating on the wooden floor of my bedroom, my luggage on the sofa. Three black jeans, two blue ones, some casual grey and black dresses, a few shirts, my sweaters, a stolen sweater from your closet or can I just say that you kindly gave it to me after my request?! Oh and as I’m thinking of you, I don’t want to forget my favorite Dior perfume.. -Right dear self, cry over the memories of that moment. Cry a little bit more for the memories of everything we’ve been through together. Fold some underwear, put in my camera, tripod, MacBook, my markers and sketchbooks.. did I forget something? Of course I did. Wear my mothers bracelet, the one she gave to me when I turned 16..
I’m sitting in my room and thinking how I will have my own apartment. Do you think we will ever have the chance to make these plans together? Do you think we will ever have the chance to have our own apartment, you, me and a puppy, doing things we are saying all these month we would do together one day? When I go now, I will have to cook and clean my room and I will also be free to go out to eat and go to museums and parks and spend time alone. Excited about things and the life that waits for me in the city that never sleeps. I never had a problem spending time by myself. I really enjoy spending time alone. To be honest I am not so scared to leave home. I am not scared at all to live alone in New York. But sitting here, the only thing that goes through my mind is how I am going to miss everything. I am going to miss my beautiful wall of flowers and my mini closet. I am going to miss the smell of my clean sheets and the window that always brings in my room the illusion of a lace looking bedroom because of the trees that are between the glass and the bright Greek sun. I am going to miss a lot of things.. but as I am thinking about it I am realizing that none of these things are going to change when I come back. My wall will be the same, and the beautiful Greek sun too. To be entirely honest the only thing I am scared that is going to change.. is us.
I’m scared of how much I am going to change while I am there. I won’t grow up with you anymore, and you won’t grow up with me. None of us is going to be the same when I come back. Last year I left for a month and I came back feeling almost a different person. When I say that I am going to miss home I don’t mean that I am going to miss my bedroom. Sometimes home has a heartbeat. It’s the realization that when I come back nothing will be the same anymore. I am scared of myself because I might change, and I am scared of you because I can’t leave for four months and expect you to wait for me. We love each other, but we might forget that while we’re apart.
I just wanted to tell you a few things in case I forget how they felt like while I’m away.
I like my body when it is with your body. I like your body, I like what it does, I like it’s hows. I like to feel its spine and its bones and the smoothness of your skin. I like kissing this and that of you even when you tell me to stop it because the weather is too hot for two people to be so close with each other. I like your full lips and your hands. I love outlining your tattoos with my finger. I never understood how much I am going to miss your voice until I realized how long it will be until I hear you calling my name again. -I’m already crying and I haven’t even started. Where was I? oh right… I guess I like the thrill of me under you. Taking a shower will not be the same. Not when I won’t have you hear me sing stupid songs. You are my favorite person ever, the only one who looks at me with honesty and I can feel your love everywhere. The only one other than my parents who looks at me with pure love. The only one who loves me when you have not a single reason to do so. You just do it. Sometimes I feel a responsibility toward that love because I don’t want to disappoint your expectations. You have shown me what love is, and I want to thank you for that.
The fucked up truth of it all, is that not everything happens for a reason. I made a decision, and I am asked to live with that decision for the rest of my life. I am well aware of that. Still, on the nights when you don’t sleep next to me and I am alone with my thoughts,when I am halfway to hell, I still find myself wondering if I made the right decision. Not because of fashion. I know that I want to create clothes when I grow up. I just don’t know if I am making the right decision leaving “us”. I am trying to remind myself to breath. Sometimes I feel like I have panic attacks or something. I know I can breathe but I just can’t find the amount of oxygen I need. I haven’t even left yet and I fucking miss you. But you know love, maybe better than me, that life is complicated. And a lot of times we don’t mean to hurt each other but we do. And even if you are perfect for me and I am perfect for you, perhaps no matter how right we are for each other, we’ll always be a little too wrong.
I also wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I will always and forever think of you. I will think of us, and the time we spent together. How you pushed me out of my comfort zone. With you I spent one of the happiest times of my life so far. If we end up being apart because of the distance, and I ever have to choose in the future, I’d do it all over again. I’d fall for you all over again. No regrets. And if we ever walk our separate paths, and although the years will pass, I’ll always have with me the knowledge that for one brief, flash of a moment, our stars crossed, and that will always, always, be enough. I could never find someone better than you. You came into my life and I wasn’t expecting you,and you showed me happiness. I’ve forgotten how it feels to be sad for no reason. You make me happy.
So yes, I really do hope we will get through this together. But we might change and that’s not so bad if we take into consideration that our paths may cross again later in life. . . do you know what is never going to change though?
The fact that you were my first love. You were my first everything. This is never going to change. You will always have an important place in my life. I could never have asked for someone better than you. “