It's Wednesday morning, I'm working a night shift today and I'm just sitting in bed
enjoying the fact that I don't have to interact with people right now.
I'm thinking about how angry I am with you at this moment,
how many mean things I can write to you in this stupid place called the internet
where most of the time I can't even see your face.
You hurt my feelings pretty bad, my love.
I just think that if I let myself, I'd tell you things I would regret later on.
People shouldn't speak when they're angry, when they don't have a face in front of them.
When I can't see your eyes everything changes.
The pain is more than enough how it is, we shouldn't make it more difficult.
Then a few moments pass and I think that if I saw you in front of me right now,
I would hug you really tight.
I would tell you how sorry I am for all the things that I put us through,
that I never wanted to leave you,
to leave us.
I would tell you how miserable life is without you.
I'm not ready to let you go.
I still want our legs intertwined between sheets in the mornings.
I still want you to kiss my forehead as the sunlight get's in through the window.
I still want our long conversations, to feel that I am not alone in the world,
to feel that I am connected to someone.
I honestly don't know how people do it.
I don't know how to survive this.
There's a physical pain in my chest at all times.
There are so many things I want to tell you.
Like how I'm getting tired working two different jobs.
Like how every time I want to cry I have to hold my breath and keep it all in.
Keep you in,
because there are always people watching.
I can't just slam a door and scream and get this out of me.
I still introduce us as a couple to the people I meet.
It's so sad.. I don't even realize that what I said is not true anymore.
I'm daydreaming about you all the time.
Very often, nowadays, I imagine that you appear in front of me,
that somehow you walk through the door of the place that I'm working
or in that cafe that I sometimes go to drink a latte.
My constant thoughts are all about the moment I see you again.
Today I was checking for plane tickets so I can come to you.
Maybe I can surprise you..
But I don't know if you want to see me anymore,
I am so afraid to ask.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know if you don't want me anymore.
I just want to close my ears with my two hands and seat on a floor and cry and let you go.
But it's like something inside me wants you to call me and tell me that we did something wrong.
Something inside me wants you to call me and tell me that a miracle happened,
that you are coming to see me.
That we should never have gotten that break.
A love like ours is so hard to find, that it was stupid of us to think we can let go.
I wan't you to call me and tell me that you love me.
And I don't even care how selfish this is, I want you to tell me that you will never love someone the way we loved each other.
Fuck the world.
What is this? Am I supposed to be grateful for some kind of shit like "I took a risk and went to the big city so I can pursue my dreams"?
What is life if I can't go for walks in parks with you?
Fuck this.
I still have our picture as a background on my phone
and it's a constant reminder of how much I miss you,
and how happy we where together.
I'm struggling to let go.
You know I'm not angry, not really.
I'm just really disappointed.
I just don't understand how after everything we've been through,
how after two years of the relationship we had, you could ever question the love I have for you.
You probably don't feel the same as you did.
And I don't blame you if you do.
Or you might think that it's better for me if you let me go.
And honestly I don't know, I have so many contrasting thoughts in my mind right now,
I don't even know if what I'm writing makes any sense.
But fuck this. I am a mess.
I haven't spoke to you 3 days now and I'm going crazy.
Fuck this.
I'm 18 years old, I have all this time waiting for me to love you again and again.
And I'll do it.
I'll try again.
Fuck this.
I love you and I'm not denying anything.
Life is hard without you.
Life is hard as it is..
I'm not gonna be selfish about my love, I'm not going to keep it to myself.
I'll say it everywhere.
I love you.
Fuck this.