It’s been 4 months since I’ve written something that mattered to me.
It’s been 4 months since the last time I knew how I felt about life.
It’s the countdown, you know?
The countdown of leaving a place?
You just lay back and count the days to say goodbye.
Why do goodbyes even exist?
Whatever hurts us should be vanished
Aren’t we supposed to be the most powerful species on this planet?
Why don’t we have a cure for those?
there’s this part of me that is so excited about living somewhere else.
Making a brand new start.
A big part of me that says that I got this,
that I am going to have this amazing, tiny studio apartment in New York
and it’s going to be so bright and white and clean
I will be able to make the whole thing a painting and sewing studio
and my bed will be in a small corner with huge beige blankets,
surrounded with vanilla candles and yesterdays cups of coffee and tea.
My groceries will be full of fruits and butter croissants.
I will eventually start using my dslr and take the best pictures ever,
I will take courses that I don’t need to take but really want to,
I will use education in my own advantage and my goal will not be a degree but learning new things.
I want to meet people and go out in Soho.
Meet artists and people who have the same interests as I do.
Drink red wine and wear black clothes
I will work so hard that the word sleep won’t mean anything to me
I’m ready to wear my red lipstick 9:00 o’clock in the morning and go out
in a place where I know nobody is going to judge me.
I’m so ready to read books that I found for a dollar,
or listen to random music.
I’m perfectly fine spending time alone.
I want to do my thing like nobody has ever done it
use fashion in a sense where everyone can use it
personalize my art but make it suitable for all the genders, nationalities, highs and weighs
use feminism in my art
use anti-fascism in my art
use sex and different sexualities
use anti-racism in my art
speak up for those who need it
I want my art to be about equality in all of it's forms
eventually I want to be able to fully express myself through the things that I do
and I know that I am ready for that.
I’m only 18 years old and I have to leave people that I care about behind
but when it comes to relationships things get complicated.
Distance isn’t the same when you are that young
Losing someone from your life that’s supposed to be so important is really painful.
No matter how much I prepare myself for that it’s never going to be enough.
I know exactly what I’m going to miss,
I know that the way I feel right now will always be the same
it doesn’t matter who I’m going to meet next
it doesn’t matter if the next person I’m going to love is better for me.
hell, it doesn’t matter if I won’t see his face for the rest of my life.
I will always, always cherish and feel nostalgia for the 2 years we spent together,
no matter what, I will always love him.
He will be the stories I tell my daughter, how she can find someone who will love her this way
How important it is to realize how someone can spend his time with you
when he could be anywhere else but there.
I think that this is the importance of loving someone, you know?
Being able to understand that the person standing next to you chooses to stand next to you.
We choose how we spend our nights,
We choose to spend hours talking to the person we love about things that we have never told anyone about.
That’s why it hurts so bad, because even though I don’t have a problem being alone
there will be times, and I’m sure about that, where I will really want to talk to him and only him.
I had to make some decisions about what should come next.
and I chose my art and education.
I don’t specifically regret it but I know the effect of my actions
I know it’s going to hurt like hell leaving
I am completely aware that I’m the one to blame for our “the end.”
and maybe it’s not an end, it’s just a “see you later”.
Even though is not something I can plan,
I really do want to hope it’s that.
So many people act like if we just get through today sitting in our couch, doing nothing,
tomorrow our dreams and hopes will come to us.
We need to sacrifice things, be realists, know that this is it.
You got a chance, you take it.
Tomorrow is not an excuse because no one is going to wait for us.
Especially life.
growing up just means being honest,
about my future,
who I love,
what I love, but also,
what I need,
how I feel,
and most importantly, who I am.
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Yes the artwork is mine, I'm trying to experiment on Adobe Illustrator so there's that!
I really do hope to get back on track and post pictures and thoughts and things I want to post here,
I guess I just have to be patient with myself and take my time to do the things I want to do.
Hope you're all well!
" People who believe they’ll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, learn it doesn’t work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. "
Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book
A Most Violent Year, J.C. Chandor
xx Faidra