Do you know what happens when you have trust issues but fall in love with someone? you're getting confused! that's what happens.
You don't know what to feel you don't know how to feel it you don't know why you feel the way you feel because everyone who said ''I'll stay'' LEFT and at the end of the story you are the one getting hurt and you are the one feeling like your life is over and I hate that feeling because I end up hating me..hating my existence, hating me for making everyone around me leave. But I don't think I have the strength to stop falling for you now.. you don't have to love me back and I never really asked for that. It might be too soon to say the word ''love'' but I can't find another word right now. Can we call that feeling ''I like you so much that I just can't stop thinking about you and I've never felt like that before'' ? It's a big sentence and I don't have the patience to write this whole thing over and over again.. so let's call it love even though we're not there yet.
I don't want to confuse you with this post. I know that my previous one was talking about how happy I am and how my life is perfect right now and I'm still on that mood. Really. It's not that I don't feel happy, I'm actually more than that. But I guess I'm just a drama queen sometimes. My problem is that... now that I'm ''happy'' I'm afraid that something bad is gonna happen because I just don't believe that me being mentally ok is ever gonna happen. Something is gonna come up and it will kill me again because that's my life and I'm so good on fucking things up! oh man, I'm so good on fucking up my life. And he's started being so important to me that the though and only that he's gonna get sick of me terrifies me so much because I know he will. That's why I've never had a relationship before..because once you see under the surface you will understand that the only thing I ever asked from people is pure love and the only thing I didn't take from them was that. I got hate, I got loneliness, I got sick and the only person who was there for me this whole time was my mother..she'll never give up on me. Everyone else have or will see who I am and will leave because I'm a bit crazy I guess and I get too excited about little things and I take some things too seriously and I claim that I'm ok more than 10 times a day even when I have scars on me and I hate people but at the same time as an '''artist''' I love people's reactions and flaws and I see the beauty in people even when they can't see it themselves and I see beauty in someone's sadness.. kind of funny how this works because at the same time I can't see any beauty in me.
So yeah, this whole post is all over the place and while reading it again I can't find any reason to post it but whatever..since it's an inspiration post I can write some of my thoughts right?
hope you have a great day xx :)
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