our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch ♡

   You know, the worst thing when you're finally happy in your life is the moment you realize that it would take just a second for things to collapse... just a second and you would be a wreck again. Without a warning. And then, what will happen? It's a different thing to have a ''bad day'' -I'm not talking about something bad happening, I'm talking about the days when I wake up and I just want to cry..my brain is like that I don't know how to explain it! That's why it's called depression anyway-
and it's a different thing to just get bad again. I don't wanna hear voices, I don't wanna feel the way I felt again. I still have ''bad days'' but I remember how bad it felt when I had to deal with it every single day and I believe that the only way for it to not get bad again is to keep the people I love close to me.
 
   You don't have to understand... I'm not writing this for you to understand how I felt. I'm writing this for me because it helps me to write some thing down and I just chose to write it while I'm blogging. If you don't understand mental illnesses that's good. Good for you, you don't have to understand. If you don't understand why some people can't get out of bed in the morning, good. I hope you jump out of bed every single day; ready to explore the world. If you don't understand how someone could drag a blade across their skin, good. I hope you're never that desperate to feel something. If you don't understand why that person won't speak to someone about his problems or won't go to rehab, good. I hope you always have somewhere to turn. If you don't understand why someone would commit suicide, good. I hope you're never that desperate for relief. If you don't understand, GOOD! you are not supposed to! Thanks ''God'' for ignorance. It's healthy.
 
   But it makes me so upset how some of you will read this and think, oh I feel like that sometimes, maybe I have a mental illness. Because so many people from my generation think that sadness is beautiful and that if you look sad someone will fall for you and that person will fix you and all this fucking John Green shit. Nobody will find you in a museum and think how beautiful you are. Nobody will find you attractive just because you're reading Bukowski and you will never be like Effie from Skins. Be your own hero for fucks shake.

   Anyway, I feel like I'm writing something that's all over the place again but I don't really care.
What I was saying is that, I deserve a happy fucking life. After all that I've been through I deserve this. And I realized that, fashion or a cool apartment in New York city will never give me the happiness I want. You just have to find a person who will make you feel safe. Even if your relationship will end one day... even if you know that you have to leave your home in a year and it will be hard for both of you ..you have to keep that person close to you. And you should stop thinking about tomorrow. And if you two really want to be together even when you're miles apart, you will find a way to do this.And even when you brake up with someone, try to just let that person go and keep all the memories and try to remembers the times that person touched your heart. Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch. Because after all, you deserve flowers on your doorstep, and you deserve notes left on your dashboard and you deserve to be kissed every hour-minute-second from the person you love and you deserve to be reminded how beautiful you are.

  -So this is my life. And I want you to know that I'm both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.- (The Perks of being a Wallflower)

xxFedra
p.s. I love you